As Maki Park finished up a call with a friend, she realized it had happened again. Like many times prior, Park had spent the majority of the call asking questions and listening to her friend. An hour had passed without Park getting a chance to talk about her life — and without her friend showing any interest to hear from her.
Park, a Seattle-based mental health counselor, is naturally curious about people’s lives and tends to play the role of listener and supporter. But when she isn’t mindful of how she’s spending her time and emotional energy, resentment and unhealthy dynamics can creep in.
“I love being emotionally generous of spirit and giving very freely of myself — even if this is not 100% reciprocated in the same way — in seasons where my own cup is full and I have a lot to give,” Park explains. But in seasons of high demand — when her children were younger or during the height of pandemic anxiety, for example — Park’s personal resources are lower. In these situations, she recognizes the need to advocate for her own needs and boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Recognizing and Defining Boundaries
In current American culture, boundaries are a hot topic. We flash the word around with our families, in our workplace, in relationships, and even with strangers. Yet some of us still struggle not only to set boundaries but to even identify our needs so we can figure out what boundaries are necessary.
“For some people, it’s very intolerable — the idea of upsetting other people, asking for something difficult, or saying no,” says Megan Soun, an Orange County-based therapist with Yellow Chair Collective, a therapy group that specializes in the Asian American experience. “In some sense, it feels easier, more comfortable, more peaceful, to maintain the relationship as it is over prioritizing your own needs.”
Low self-esteem also plays a part. You don’t see yourself as being valuable or worthy and, therefore, can’t justify…
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